A Goodbye to N.

How can I say goodbye
To you each time
Her whim’s denied,
Inside a part of me dies
Again, again, again,
Too cowardly afraid
To let you walk away,
Wishing that somehow
I could make you stay,
Just another single day,
There has to be a way!
Reasons I cannot see,
I give my heart to thee,
So completely, Just
To have it destroyed
With every heartbreak
She makes me endure,
Will another five years pass
Before my heart can beat at last
In your perfect presence?
Will you remember me?
Do you know me now?
I longingly cry to hear
Your sweet smiling voice
“I love you daddy”,
Inside my heart breaks,
Freezes with the years
That flood into my tears,
How many times has she
Callously, coldly, taken you
From my loving embrace?
And I feel like such a disgrace
For not being able to do
More to get my feelings through,
I am the worst father
For not being there for you,
For giving the life I promised,
But I have tried so hard
For so very long, and now
Once more I fake being strong
And watch you move away,
Wishing, wishing, wishing,
There was some other way,
Will you miss me? Because
God knows I will miss you!

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Poem © Phen Weston
Image © Phen Weston

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11 thoughts on “A Goodbye to N.

  1. Embracing a Wounded Soul

    There so much pure love and emotion in this. I am assuming here, if I am correct, I hope it’s not too long before this beautiful little girl is in your arms again.

  2. This touched me so deeply. I have a little granddaughter who I may never see, although I hope that when she’s old enough, she will know we are all here for her. My parents have her name on a slat at the playground in their town. The courts move too slowly, and my son is denied the chance to see her. I pray every day that she will be happy, that she will someday get to know her father who so desperately wants to be part of her life, but who has been systematically pushed out. Knowing the hell that we have all been through, I pray that you will be able to at least maintain that yearly contact. I haven’t seen my grandson since last summer (and won’t see him this summer), but with him I know there will be contact when I’m back in the States. And my daughter is awesome about Skype and other contact. I will pray for you and your precious daughter. I know firsthand this kind of heartbreak, and I am sorry that it has to be a part of your life.

    1. I am very sorry to heart that you and your family are going through a similar situation. It is a terrible place to be. I hope your son is coping with it. My ex-partner stopped me for 5 years seeing my daughter. It was only last December that the threat of legal action changed this. Now she is moving across the country. She has said I can see her at holidays and things, but has also told me she is not telling her other daughters father where she is moving, so he cannot have contact, I fear she may do the same to me.

      I wish you the very best and hope your heartache can be resolved one day soon. As you said, hopefully when they are old enough they will seek us out on their own. Take care my friend. Blessings to you 🙂

      1. Thanks! I’ve never mentioned her on here. She turned 5 years old in May. At least in the beginning my son could see her (although there were so many restrictions), but I know it’s been at least two years since he’s seen her. The nightmares I could tell. He used to be able to send me pictures when he was seeing her, but none of us have seen her or pictures in a while now. I hope that these women have a change of heart and realize that with all the men out there who don’t want to have contact with their children, that they should treasure the ones they do.

        And thank you for giving me a chance to express the things that have been inside me for all months and years. This is the first time I talked about it here.

      2. You’re more than welcome. My daughter turns 8 tomorrow 🙂 I think we have had similar experiences in this case. I have many horror story’s to share as well. I know it must be very hard on you, as I know it is for my mother also. My ex didn’t like my family having anything to do with my daughter even when she was a baby. Over the last few months I have managed to FaceTime between them, but I know my mums heart is broken again.

        I’m glad you have been able to talk about it. It’s not good to bottle things up. If you ever want to talk I’m more than happy too, or if you wanted to talk to another grandparent going through a similar situation I’m sure my mum would be happy to email you. Take care and all the best.

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